[Daily ME #17-001]

22. This year, I will be turning 22. Thinking about it, 22 years is quite long. But why does it feel like it has only been two years? What life does a 22 year old lady have to live?

I am in the stage, I think, where people are building their careers… ‘rocking’ it. I am in the stage where people envision their dream life and is starting to turn them into reality. But why am I not in that stage? Why do I feel that I am short of few years? Why do I feel that I should be turning 19 instead of 22? I am so scared of life. I am so scared of responsibilities. Work? That is definitely not a problem. That’s just like school where you have to complete tasks and assignments and such. But life… Life is scary. Do you know what’s scary about it? People. People in your life are scary. They expect you to be someone. They expect you to be do something. Yes, you do have a choice not to be that someone or not to do that something. But you can’t really pick that choice. Why? Because they are part of your life. You can remove them, of course. But I can’t… because I don’t have that ability. How I wished I could just live my life alone! But I can’t. Even now, I am living under my parents’ roof when I should be supporting my own. Though I want to, I can’t stand on my own. So, I have to meet their expectations… because they feed me and they give me a place to live. They are my parents, yes. They are family, yes. You may say that it is perfectly normal for families to support each other. But I don’t want to feel as if I’m a freeloader and that is what I am feeling. So that is exactly why I must do my ‘part‘ in this ‘family‘. Be the ‘child‘ my parents want. Because they are my parents, they are my family.

They say that everyone has neurotic issues. It’s just not that ‘worse’ that it affects our daily lives. But I wish mine is worse. That way, I have an excuse for this so-called life. I studied psychology in college, though I can’t say I excel on it. It is great. Besides from understanding other people, you also find out more about yourself. But that is exactly the problem. You had a peek of your mind and you want more. But what you know is not even teensy-weensy of what really your mind is. So you just end up more confused than before.

What I’m saying is… Although there are still a lot to know about myself, I understand myself enough to know that this, what I’m writing about, is a cry for help. Because… I am scared.

Start: 12:04 AM
End: 12:39 AM
NP: Seriousness (It’s Okay, That’s Love OST Vol.2)


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