Now I get it.

Have you ever wondered why your parents were doing whatever they were doing? Have you ever thought that if you’ll have your own children, you’ll never do anything like your parents did? Have you ever felt that your parents were so strict on you, it’s already so absurd? I did. But now, I’m not so sure anymore.

When I was in my teens (I just turned 20 this year. LOL!), I always ask why do I not feel free? Why can’t I do the things that I really want to do, just like how my sister did? I always felt that this house is a prison. The times that I could go out were my chances to be free but I was chained so I can’t really go. That’s what I FELT. When I was younger, I always tell myself that I won’t raise my children like my parents did. I even came up with a decision that I won’t have children because I didn’t want to make mistakes on them and make them feel how I felt. But that’s all in the past.

I think I have matured quite a bit already. No, I think I’ve matured a lot. I’ve thought of a lot of things. I’ve realized a lot of things. And today, I made a very important one.

Just this morning, if someone asked me what I think about how my parents raised me, I would have said, “Yeah. It’s quite nice. I’m quite nice. I think I’m quite better off than others. But of course, not all. I would alter some few points, if I were them.” But this afternoon, I kind of understood whatever they are doing, why I was kept with them and not allowed to be free like my sister.

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These are my dogs, Yannie (the one with spots) and Yassie (all white). In the morning, they are tied up. Then we let them loose in the afternoon and tie them up again by dinner. They could only play in our backyard and can’t really go out to the field where there are other dogs. But you see, if they go out, they’ll get pests on them and skin allergies and stuff and it would take weeks before we get rid of it. In short, they’ll get really really dirty. We’ve let them before and that’s what happens.

And that’s what hit me. That realization that I don’t want my dogs to be out because I know that they’ll get all those stuff outside which is totally not okay. That hit me. It hit me hard. Ouch. Of course it’s not just because the dogs appear to be sad and longing to be out, but I kind of saw myself on their situation. And maybe, what I felt toward my dogs was how my parents felt toward me. And that’s what really hit me. Hard. They know what could possibly happen to me when I go out to the world as they have let my sister out before. I love my sister but let’s face it. She didn’t really achieve the purpose she had when she went out to the world. So I think, just like how I was afraid that what happens to my dogs before when they went out happens again to them, my parents are also afraid that what happens to my sister would happen to me.

I understand them now. I may have change bits of it but I understand why they did it. I’m not in pain anymore whenever I think of my youth. I don’t feel bad anymore that I didn’t have the freedom I wanted before. I understand them now.

~J̿L̿     #jalaness

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