Numb? Kind of.

Yesterday, 21st of November 2014, my dog died. And I don’t know why but it seems… nothing to me. I know I must feel some sadness. It will feel strange not to see the dog around or give dog food to just two dogs instead of three. But all those strange feelings are just because a routine was broken. Something changed. And I know after a while, I’ll get used to it. I’ll get used to it to the point that it seems nothing happened. As if life just went on and I’m just living in the present. Not looking forward nor backward. Just looking at my spot, letting time do its thing.

I may sound bad to you, and I know I do. I sound bad to me. But it’s just the way I feel. Maybe because it’s just a pet *No offense to pet lovers* and not a family member that I felt normal. Or maybe because I know that it’ll eventually happen. She’s been sick for days and my mother keeps on pushing the dog to live. I know it’s better to let go and stop the dog’s sufferings already. But yeah. My mother hoped that the dog will eventually get better just like how it did few times ago. But it didn’t. It died.

I’ve been like this many times already. A pet dog dies with us, I feel nothing. A good friend of our family dies, I feel nothing. I’m not feeling sad but I’m not happy too. Neutral. Nothing. In between. Zero. At some point, I even feel sadder when some fictional character died. But just like any other thing, it passes. And I feel nothing again.

Not only in sad times does this happen. I would be happy at some point and after some time, it’s lost. I have to find something to make me feel something. Whatever it is, I have to be entertained, or thrilled, or excited, or sad, or any feelings at all. Or else, I’m just a… something like a robot, maybe.

Until now, there are times that I think of situations where my parents would not be around any longer, like not around anywhere in this world. Before, way before, I would really cry and feel sad. Why is that? Because I can’t live by myself yet and if they are not around, living would be difficult. Selfish, isn’t it? I don’t know I was being really selfish before when I thought of that. I just know that I have to be sad when someone dies and thinking that life would be difficult… is definitely sad. So I thought it’s valid. But I don’t feel that way anymore. Thinking of those situations, I have to do this and that so everything will be done immediately. Then, I’ll go live my life just how I lived before that situation happened, just without them and by myself. I know it will be difficult. But either way, with or without them, I know life will be difficult. So I just have to face it. I don’t have other choice but to face it. Unless I want to die which I don’t really want. So face on. Again, neutral.

I don’t feel really numb. I still feel emotions. It’s just, I have to find it first. Or do something that would make me feel something. Maybe it’s because I’ve been living as if I’m a puppet. But yeah. I feel. Just… not that… well.

Random rants.

~J̿L̿     #jalaness

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