I hate having thoughts like this. Yet, I can’t stop it from appearing in my mind. I’m tired and whenever I think of it, I want to cry. I want to give up but that seems to be not in the options. I want to let go but that’s quite impossible.
As all college students go, I also have my thesis. And I’m at my final year. It gives quite of a pressure. No. It gives a LOT OF PRESSURE. Whatever I do, my mind is filled up with things I have to do as a student. That’s all the requirements I have to fill up. I can’t remove that since my identity right now is a student. At least, that is the biggest part of it. So eliminating all those pressures aside is quite impossible.
One of my classmates and best friends asked how to remove all the stress and pressure in her life. I clearly remembered answering that it cannot be removed and the only way to “remove” it is how well you are taking such stress and pressure. Well, as I am seeing it now, how I take the pressure and stress is far from being well.
I want to drop off school but I know my parents won’t understand. Besides it’s too late to do that. I want to quit doing all those projects but I know later on, I would still have to do it in order for me to continue. I could just not continue it but my parents would… Yeah. You get the idea. They would kill (figuratively speaking) me right off. I don’t know other things I could do but the only thing that my mind is giving me is to disappear, officially. I wouldn’t kill myself. It’s quite… I don’t know. I hate that idea. But I just want to disappear. Just like a bubble that would just pop and disappear like nothing has happened. I want to disappear. I don’t want to put others in a difficult situation so, just like a bubble, I want to disappear. I want to disappear. I want to disappear. Please, let me disappear.
But I know I won’t. That’s quite far from happening. I’m not saying it’s impossible but… I just I know it’s not going to happen. It’s frustrating. There’s no other choice but to do it. It’s so frustrating to do something you don’t like. And it’s worse when it’s yourself whose forcing yourself.
Well, I don’t have a choice. And if that other choice really exists, it’s really difficult to choose it. Especially with the type of person that I am.