Ever since I took my Developmental Psychology subject in my second year in college (I’m in my 4th btw), I became afraid of having a child. I’m even afraid of being a permanent someone to a child, someone important to that child. From then on, I have always thought to myself that I won’t have a child in the future. And there even a came a point that it is fine if I wouldn’t have a partner. Because if I do so, my partner would like to have a child and I’m afraid to have one so that is kind of difficult of a situation. I came to that point just because I’m “afraid” of children.
But just a few seconds ago since I started typing this post, I have realized that I’m not “afraid” of them. I’m afraid for them. I actually would like to be a mom. Like, I sometimes act one. It would be a pleasure to have a child. To hold a precious baby in my arms and hug him and see him grow. But what I am really afraid of are the things I would do for them. I know for the fact that whatever a parent does would affect his/her children. And I’m afraid that there would be something I do as a mother that would harm my child in a way that it would leave an emotional or psychological scar for him. What if what I thought was good for him would turn out to be bad? What if I did something that would give him pain? I won’t ever ever ever like to do that. I’m afraid I won’t be a good mother to my child. It’s just… terrifying.
I am weak. I know it. It is especially these times that I put my life to God. Because I know that He’ll always always always guide me through. I put my trust in Him.