Insecure

Have you ever felt you were left behind? That everyone has done what is supposed to be done but you’re not? That everyone has moved to another activity but you were set aside to correct it? Have you ever felt you were so inferior to others when it’s supposed that you were the superior? Have you ever felt that you were an outcast and no one’s really talking to you or befriending you? I do.

I have told you guys somewhere recently in this same blog that I was accepted to be an apprentice on my school dance troupe. There were a LOT of first years there and there are only two of us that are on the second year. Being in the higher year, I’m supposed to be their “ate”, older sis. But in there, I’m not. They don’t even know I’m on second year! So they just treat me as if I’m first year. Only few know I’m on my second year and they are the only one who was calling me “ate”. At least on them, I feel I have this respect and all that. But all of them who knew weren’t there in our dance class today. So yeah as if I’m a first year. I don’t know why but I think that them knowing that I’m older than they are is the only advantage or only thing that lifts me up. I feel that in such way, I won’t feel so lowly because I’m not good, I’m not beautiful, I’m not tall and I’m not friendly. At least if they know I’m older I have this respect in myself and I trust that they won’t see me as I see myself for they respect me because I’m older. You’re getting my point?

In other words, I have inferiority complex. I’ve long admitted it to myself that I see myself as inferior to the lot. That is why I’m working hard to be at least equal if not to the top, to the average level. When I was on high school, I may not be studying hard but I force myself to be on the average. In the dance troupe I joined during those times, I make it a point I do my best and show them what I’m really good at so they will respect me. In my classes this college, I try my best to be on top for me to respect myself and tell myself that I’m the smartest and they would always respect the smartest. But this time, i could not conquer my inferiority complex. No matter how hard (maybe not hard enough but it’s the best I’m giving at the moment) I try, I still feel so low. I still feel that I’m on the loser’s side. I feel I’m an outcast. No one’s really talking to me and I’m not talking to them. I’m not pretty and fashionable and all that. I couldn’t do things the way they are supposed to be done. And everyone, I mean everyone else except for me are pretty, confident, good, and flexible or have friends to laugh at and talk to. So there it is. My big foolish mind is pushing myself to the limit of my inferiority.

I feel so low that I really wanted to quit. But I wanted the classes. It’s just I’m so wrong and sooooo low it’s hurting my feelings.

 

 

 

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