I don’t have the capacity of deciding on myself. Well, most of the time. What course in college would I take? What clothes will I wear? What college am I going? Am I going to buy this? Should I go there? Can I use this? How will I do this? Is it ok to do this? I always ask questions in which I could decide but decided to ask for their opinion about my decision. That’s why I work best when I’m alone. When I’m alone, there’s no one to ask. When I’m alone, I have only myself to depend on. I have only myself to blame when I’m wrong. I have only myself to care for when things aren’t going the way they are meant to be.
It happened this morning. My mother went home already and we’re back to the usual routine. Before lunch, my mother will be cooking our viand. Well, that is after I cut and chop the ingredients. So I was chopping and cutting things and I always ask my mother about how to cut things. What cut should I do with this? How many of this will I use? Is this the right thing? How do you do that kind of cut? Should I cut it like this? Should I do all of this? And the question goes on as I continue on chopping the ingredients. My mother then said to me, “Wala kang sariling desisyon, eh ano?” which translates to, “You can’t decide for yourself, can you?” Well, it’s not that word by word translated but it’s the same thought. Well, I didn’t answer her. I just smiled like always used to do. But what she said is true. I already realized that so many times that I’m convinced it is what I am.
I stil have my own mind to make decisions. But it wouldn’t harm to ask for other’s opinion about things. It would be better. I like considering other’s opinion since I care for what other’s say of me. Most of the time. So yeah. I don’t have my own decisions (on big things and some little things) and I think I’ll settle that way.